2023-07-05 blip of sadness

don't really know what i'm feeling right now but i can tell there's big patches of sadness, apathy, and unknowing. i guess i was cushioning school's ending, which is usually a bit sad for me, with tons of outings and hangouts. now that those slowly started to settle down and one person wasn't quite what they seemed (my fault... as always...), the promises those things held for me crashed hard. suddenly it all became flimsy, and my vision of a sad-free, solid, coming future wasn't so certain anymore. that dream was what stopped me from becoming overtly sad at these things ending, from regular social stuff, that would've happened during school, ending.

it crashed really hard yesterday and the day before for obvious reasons. but besides that, people don't seem to be very free lately. paradoxically, i'm doing nothing. "let's go somewhere," says my family. but somehow i don't want to. i want to keep chasing that high that i got while out with friends. what's wrong with me?

yeah, so this all has convinced me that i'm probably someone who fluctuates between extroversion and introversion depending on the circumstances. i want to stop caring so much about specific people and ending up with crushes on specific people and start being someone who's out with good friends a lot. not someone who's stuck wishing on a singular person. don't wanna mess up group dynamics by doing that either. i'm happy i didn't pursue it further.

feeling a bit lonely and disregarded right now, but hopefully that ends soon.

2023-07-03

feels like something was ripped out of me today.

2023-04-17

i wonder if i'm scared to try hard because i'm afraid of the disappointment that'll come from failing.

2023-04-09

let's go watch a movie after school yosuke. bring the others with you, too. i think they'd enjoy it. let's walk okina city afterwards. let's go buy some clothes. let's do well in our classes together this year. let's save nauto and go on to defeat even greater dungeons in the tv.

let's all be friends forever.

love y'all.

2023-01-12 dramatic boy

sometimes everything feels fake. feels like nobody really keeps promises, everybody's just out there for themselves. yeah, yeah, i'll do it for you. oops, sorry, i totally forgot. oops, sorry, i didn't see your message. oops, sorry, i fell asleep. to think that i sometimes even believe people! or believe myself! the times i believe their genuine-ness sets me up for an even more massive fall when i realize that it's not true. i'm not true. i'm probably the fakest of them all.

there's some people who don't emanate this energy to me most of the time, but even those people pull things like this and i am left disappointed, surprised, unsurprised, mildly hurt, or profoundly hurt. but i don't voice it to them, what do they care? are my standards just so high they don't exist in people? criteria so doctored and constructed over all these years that they've reached a point unattainable?

does my conception of happiness and fulfillment even exist? if that one specific set of pictures at the far corner of pinterest's servers can give me glimpses of a life idyllic, surely such a life exists? if not just a moment of it?

sometimes i really don't feel wanted. this is one of those times. but i'm probably not even as wanted as i expect when i don't feel like i'm not wanted. it's all just politeness. it's all just being nice for the sake of it. they don't even care, do they? do you really think they do? they're just being polite. nobody's ever heard of dissing a stranger for no reason. not many, anyway. it's just manners. but even the people you know. they ask for help, you give it to them. sometimes it's not good help, but you usually give it to them. you ask for help, you wait. then you wait again. then you wait more. then you end up doing it yourself. oh, sorry. i didn't see your message. sorry bro, i was busy. i couldn't reply. broo. i totally forgot about this. yeah, well i'm about to forget about you.

i think it's worth staying just close enough to people so that some plane of emotions exist and assistance exchanges, but just far enough to avoid that massive hurtling steel of disappointment from crushing me each time my expectations are broken. but they're broken again and again and again. the expectations keep resetting. i've lowered them, but they keep breaking. i don't want to be mean to old friends. but my expectations have been broken so many times i don't even consider some of these things mean anymore. i passed you quickly as i walked by, not seeing you, but really i just pretended i didn't see you because i didn't feel like saying hi, so neither of us waves. momentary strangers. maybe i'll say hi next time, good luck. i'm not ignoring you but i am. i'm too tired and singularly focused on getting to my destination than stopping my stride to begin a conversation. sorry, maybe next time.

i'm just like them.

2022-12-31

obligatory "its almost a new year" post. it is currently 23:41 (or 11:41 PM) and the EST sits on the precipice of a new year. 2022 was quite a good year: a lot of things in my life turned quite around and things looked up very frequently. my friend circle improved drastically after the first quarter of the year and i discovered excellent music, did quite well in my academic work, and so on. i am grateful to have experienced such positivity and do hope to find similarly glad tidings in the coming year. but i must remember, too, that those only happened a good way into the year. january, february, even march felt largely the same things felt by the end of 2021. but those changes arrived gradually, and before i knew it a lot of things around me were quite different and turned anew.

this is really just a reminder for myself; i'm writing this using a short burst of energy i just felt, and because a whole year is ending. anyway, i hope to remember to face the year without prejudgment (trying to make it too much the same as this year and fit a mental image) and without bias, but instead as something new and fresh and positive.

23:49, we are quite close now. i will save the post here.

2022-11-27 neutral

rather bored and nothing seems very fun, been like this for two days now.

perhaps this is common to every single winter, where regardless of the circumstances i inevitably encounter days that feel empty, overcast days which feel not cozy but hollow.

i try not to long for the past too much since its basically of no use, but sometimes it does help put things into perspective and make you a little bit happier. i think back, sometimes, to the summer, and how free and relatively worry-free i was. i'm quite worry-free right now, thankfully, but academic and other work weighs upon me heavily now that those things have come back into their rotations. it was always nice driving down a long road during a hot evening with the wind blowing and music (specifically green day...) blasting. or sometimes it was dream-pop-y music, or other times obscure 90s albums like Seam's "The Problem With Me."

i put below a few illustrations or photos (from pinterest) that represent what i *want* to feel, what i want to last in my own life, but can only see glimpses of through these images. a kind of serene calm and beauty which i so scarcely experience (in a version that i always imagine, at least) that i have slowly come to doubt it can actually exist...anyways, here they are:

perhaps if i relocate to a warmer climate someday...

2022-11-20 inept

im laughably inept at everything i do.

i didnt start out with very strong math skills, or at least what i had didnt last very long until i had to start putting in more hard work. other kids parents taught them otherwise relatively difficult math, and they grew up with near-innately strong number skills, always attending the highest math classes. they were with the constant, even debilitating, pressure from their parents to work hard and learn everything they could to those academic ends.

my childhood, well, all i did related to that was be near computers the whole time. i used them to do cool things that i wanted to do, and to those ends i learned how to use computers and generated a mental structure of how computers worked over time, applicable to computers completely different from the ones i started out with. but i don't have the math skills. i dont have the near-instinctual logical thinking and inclination towards intricate numbers like most of those others interested in computers. i dont have that inclination toward hard logical things, even though i like them, and it shows in how im never inclined to learn ways to "grind" a game or its resources as fast as possible or speedrun games as fast as possible. some math-wizards i know, some of them dont even have very good personalities to me. they can be superficial, socially opportunistic almost always in a malicious way, are good at cheating if they tried, etc. what i mean is, they dont even seem specifically dedicated to building the skills they acquired for math, as if they only circumstantially just had those skills to begin with. some of them just go through life like a superficial game and still do quite exceptionally well.

a lot of things like this culminate in me sitting here interested in many computer-related endeavors and knowing a thing or two about some fields like web design, backend design, graphic design, general programming. but notably, my knowledge and application of those things are more like a pancake than anything else, and this is why i say im laughably inept.

sometimes i feel like im bad at every single one of any hobby that i have. badminton...im sometimes good, usually bad. depends on the day. same with any competitive video game. programming? basic applications of my knowledge at best, and to top it off, i *know* of a lot of languages and their syntax and basic workings, but i dont know *how* to apply them effectively, not a single one. writing...im alright at it, but there are days i write even worse than the worst i know. im usually too sensitive, aesthetically-oriented, and emotional and i lag behind highly logical tasks that im not already immediately acquainted with. games like stellaris i can play and sort of catch up to, but my friend zooms past and maxes his empire stats almost immediately. games like minecraft, my playstyle is often too slow for them to stick around long, so it depends who i play with. even i get bored of it sometimes.

my knowledge and skillset is a big flat pancake and im bad at everything. i dont know a single thing that i can confidently express adequacy in because ive never seen such a thing, only fleeting bursts of skill for a variety of things.

thats my rant for today. every time i think of the future and my careers and whatever the hell else im supposed to do, this is what i think of. i dont know what im really good at, there isnt really anything, and im too sensitive to maintain a desirably consistent skill level as far as ive seen.

2022-11-17 hi hhihihiii hi

hello there my good friend. would you like some tea. perhaps some cake. or maybe this muffin. or maybe nothing at all. this house has a nice view, maybe we can sit and stare out the window.

spinning spinning spinning this website isnt done yet

2022-11-12 huhuh wowow!

finally got around to making the site. the design's based on some site i saw the other day except i subdued (sorry) the colors and changed the base color to a shade of purple. still polishing many aspects and have plans to expand the site more, as the sidebars are very clearly empty with nonfunctional links currently.

i feel like this is one of my better site layouts, even though i started it ironically, because im enjoying how populated it looks at slightly narrower window widths. my old site followed a simple max-width parameter to avoid too-huge variations in the layout on different screens (expanding page to the edge of the screen with only a few lines of text looks quite unflattering). but that left rather large expanses of space to the left and right which looked even worse once i switched to a higher res monitor. this site avoids that to an extent because of its inbuilt sidebars. also figured out a neat way to get rid of them once the screen is too narrow and introduce an alternative navbar, so i am quite pleased with that.

owa owa owa owa

2022-11-xx hester?

Lonely as was Hester’s situation, and without a friend on earth who dared to show himself, she, however, incurred no risk of want. She possessed an art that sufficed, even in a land that afforded comparatively little scope for its exercise, to supply food for her thriving infant and herself. It was the art—then, as now, almost the only one within a woman’s grasp—of needlework. She bore on her breast, in the curiously embroidered letter, a specimen of her delicate and imaginative skill, of which the dames of a court might gladly have availed themselves, to add the richer and more spiritual adornment of human ingenuity to their fabrics of silk and gold. Here, indeed, in the sable simplicity that generally characterized the Puritanic modes of dress, there might be an infrequent call for the finer productions of her handiwork. Yet the taste of the age, demanding whatever was elaborate in compositions of this kind, did not fail to[95] extend its influence over our stern progenitors, who had cast behind them so many fashions which it might seem harder to dispense with. Public ceremonies, such as ordinations, the installation of magistrates, and all that could give majesty to the forms in which a new government manifested itself to the people, were, as a matter of policy, marked by a stately and well-conducted ceremonial, and a sombre, but yet a studied magnificence. Deep ruffs, painfully wrought bands, and gorgeously embroidered gloves, were all deemed necessary to the official state of men assuming the reins of power; and were readily allowed to individuals dignified by rank or wealth, even while sumptuary laws forbade these and similar extravagances to the plebeian order. In the array of funerals, too,—whether for the apparel of the dead body, or to typify, by manifold emblematic devices of sable cloth and snowy lawn, the sorrow of the survivors,—there was a frequent and characteristic demand for such labor as Hester Prynne could supply. Baby-linen—for babies then wore robes of state—afforded still another possibility of toil and emolument.

2022-11-xx floating in a river of words

Hester Prynne, therefore, did not flee. On the outskirts of the town, within the verge of the peninsula, but not in close vicinity to any other habitation, there was a small thatched cottage. It had been built by an earlier settler, and abandoned because the soil about it was too sterile for cultivation, while its comparative remoteness put it out of the sphere of that social activity which already marked the habits of the emigrants. It stood on the shore, looking across a basin of the sea at the forest-covered hills, towards the west. A clump of scrubby trees, such as alone[94] grew on the peninsula, did not so much conceal the cottage from view, as seem to denote that here was some object which would fain have been, or at least ought to be, concealed. In this little, lonesome dwelling, with some slender means that she possessed, and by the license of the magistrates, who still kept an inquisitorial watch over her, Hester established herself, with her infant child. A mystic shadow of suspicion immediately attached itself to the spot. Children, too young to comprehend wherefore this woman should be shut out from the sphere of human charities, would creep nigh enough to behold her plying her needle at the cottage-window, or standing in the doorway, or laboring in her little garden, or coming forth along the pathway that led townward; and, discerning the scarlet letter on her breast, would scamper off with a strange, contagious fear.